Modern Myth

With all the things happening in the world, Lord forgive me if this sounds like a complaint but...  I'm tired .

Oh wow, where do i start? First of all, hello .  I never forgot about the existence of this blog but i guess, i also never did anything about it. I used to religiously blog about everything i experienced from travels to random friends dispute in primary school, to what i dreamed of the night before. Most of the posts are deleted or archived along the way of course.  A lot of things has happened since my last post. I guess life just did its thing.  I left my job that i had once served for over 5 or 6ish years. Do i regret ever starting? I would say no because then i wouldn't be what i am today. What i do regret is my inability to treat others equally. I often find myself struggling to give a 100% to everyone and that was the start of my downfall. I have been reflection about who i am as a person and how i would like to move forward from this.  I changed a lot during my time there. The burnt out made me turn into something i never imagined myself to be. It's somewhat k...

 I guess the title speaks for itself, doesn't it? -  How does one feel incredibly young and old at the same time? I'm still in my 20s but it feels like i've lived forever. I had the worst Sunday of all Sundays combined this week. Okay, perhaps i should say last week since it's Monday.  Time is an illusion anyway. I don't enjoy being probed, questioned and stretched to my absolute limits but people seem to think i have answers to everything. People seem to expect and demand so much from me, as if i'm not just a regular Joe like literally everyone else. It's mentally exhausting, having to cater to literally hundreds of people BUT yourself. i want to show up for myself. But i have no time. How does that work?

I should really stop saying things like "hey, it has been a while hasn't it?" at the start of every blogpost, after a long hiatus. haha 2021-2022 has been quite something . Hasn't been that smooth but i'm grateful regardless. I turned 28 recently and had an amazing break in KL. Visited the Van Gogh Alive exhibition and got somewhat emotional. Perhaps someday he'd be able to see how his art is appreciated worldwide now, in another lifetime. Singapore's having a similar exhibit sometime in March too, from advertisements i've seen. They're both from different organisers so i might drag a couple of friends to witness the beauty together. I've decided to stay in today. This is quite rare. I'm 100% introverted but i try my best to busy my days. It doesn't matter if it's after work or on my off day, i'll always try to catch up with friends or idk, do something relatively productive. It has nothing to do with maintaining relationships t...

Okay hold up. How are we already in SEPTEMBER!? I need a minute. - I didn't think i was gonna ever update this space again but here we are. It has been quite a year hasn't it? I feel like i've gone from A to Z in a split second. With recent restrictions being lifted, i've been busy getting myself out of here. It honestly feels liberating to be travelling again, you have no idea. I can't believe i'm finally able to say this but i guess i'm somewhat healed . I no longer feel what i felt. I'm still exhausted and i don't think that'll ever change BUT at the very least, i'm doing much better now. I shall not complain.  X

The drawers near our recep table at work, is truly something else . Last year, i opened one of em to retrieve some old admin files. I left them open thinkin i'd grab somethin else later. I don't know HOW but the moment i had the swinging chair turned, my right thigh brushed against the sharp edge of the said drawer. I got home to discover a massive bruise on my thigh. And to put things in perspective, i STILL have the bruise mark now. Crazy how a plastic drawer can make that kind of impact. Either that or i'm fragile AF. Anywayyyyy, a few days ago, i went to the same cursed drawer. Took some paperclips out so we could use em as tools for clay. I pushed the drawer back in and it hit against my poor pinkie. Yo, i was extremely sleepy that morning but the moment i felt the intense, sharp pain, my body is fully woke . Now the area underneath my finger nail is bruised. How even? - Yana's going for her maternity leave soon and i'm readying myself to be as busy as i can ...

I'm going out of frequency, can anyone respond?

I think i drew Lee Dong Wook about a month ago. Is it weird to say that his hand is my favourite part of the drawing?  Time flies a lot slower without the kids around. We're prepped and all ready to go for Zoom classes. I thought i've been doing well recently but it seems like i still can't listen to a lot songs. I get triggered by the littlest things and yo... The frustration is so real.  I'll allow myself to shut down today. 

We received an email regardin a mandatory swab test for all tenants to do today. I don't know who planned it  (or didn't)  because the crowd was wild. The queue extended beyond two bridges and it didn't die down, so we just went ahead and joined in. They should have separated us in batches according to levels or something . It felt like the whole hub was in the queue haha. I wish i was exaggerating. There were so many times i wanted to give up but i couldn't. That's how i feel with life sometimes.  When you just wanna give up but, you don't really know what you're giving up on exactly> We stood and waited for more than 3 hours in total. I had already done a swab prior but this one was a lil uncomfortable. It feels kinda like when you go swimming and you accidently get water all up your nostrils. Just 20 seconds in and we were good to go so that was aite .  Just when i thought i had minimal patience left in me, God showed me that i actually have a lot mor...

This picture was taken during our first lockdown. It was a week before everyone had to start working from home. I struggled with many things in the beginning but eventually got the hang of it. Sometimes i laugh to myself at the memories we shared. Like for instance, i had a 2hr long class with the Portfolio Kids and my 2nd screen ran out of battery. I was literally in the middle of demonstrating a drawing. I didn't realize they were staring at a blank screen until one of them said "What happened to Teacher Rainn 2???" hahaha.  Most of us have our own programmes to teach so, it's pretty rare to have all teachers in one class. We did have a couple and it was fun and definitely helpful. When you have 30-40 kids in one session, your screen might not be big enough to see all of them. The coordination between us were chaotic at first but somehow we pulled through. I guess the challenging issue was the fact that almost the whole world was on Zoom. It definitely c...

I finally finished Nezuko today. I'm sorry friends, i do not watch much anime nor am i a fan of Demon Slayer. Nezuko is currently one of the most popular character among current students and the public. I drew her as a sample for our new upcoming holiday workshop. I love using colour pencils but wow , they can be really energy draining sometimes. Haha.  Usually i'm all alone on Tuesdays. LS had to do a bunch of art kits so she joined in and we jammed to delightful One Direction songs. Hahaha. My previous Tuesdays have been painful and it was a struggle to be with my own thoughts. I can safely say that i am in a much better place now... but i also feel like i'm living my life in the confines of fear.  Managed to do an outline of what we'll be teachin in Zoom. It feels quite surreal to be back to where we once were. The first lockdown caused so much frenzy and it scares me that nothing much has changed since then. May God ease all our affairs.  My appetite is ...

Yknow what's funny to me? Is the fact that there are people out there who genuinely think that we choose to feel certain emotions. Why would anyone choose to feel upset? Why would anyone choose to feel wrong? Why would anyone choose to feel like death ? Have some empathy and compassion, friends.  Jeez . God knows the world needs it a lil more.

"Just wait and see" When i was at my lowest during early to mid Ramadhan, i was in such intense despair, i begged God to show me the way.  I slept after a longggggg ,day (weeks, months really) of emotional turmoil and had a strange, yet uplifting dream.  I dreamt that i was watching myself from a third person's perspective. Apparently i had a good friend that was feeling vexed and, she couldn't understand why everythin bad was happening to her. I watched myself talk her out of it so casually. I was incredibly confident and calm. I then ushered her to a random train station. There was already a train there  but i told her to wait and to not take it. " Just wait and see" My poor friend was feeling real hopeless and sad at a corner. She sat while i paced around. The platform was empty. No one in sight. Just the two of us, if i'm remembering correctly. Out of the blue, a sudden influx of people appeared from the level above us. They were going down the stair...

Guess who decided to stay home today? I went back to sleep again cause i had about 2-3 hours to kill before work. Woke up with twitchy eyes. My left is the sore one but somehow they're both affected. And when i got up, the headache that followed, was beyond me. I'm the type that goes to work no matter how unwell i feel but clearly we can't do that now. I remember feeling so upset that i couldn't go to work because i had minor coughing episodes. Haha . I should learn to put myself first. Waiting for updates regardin the meeting because i'm still clueless. I was annoyed with the headache and everythin so i forced myself to go back to sleep. I'm assuming this is normal . The fact that everythin goes crazy AF first before it gets better. Just like what Katy Perry says, "After a hurricane, comes a rainbow~" But i'm tired of the hurricanes, Katy. Can't i just buy the rainbow online and call it a day? - A lot of people are telling me i lost weight. A...

Woah i must have knocked out real hard. Woke up randomly at 1am plus and feeling confused. Haha. Left eye still sore and my vision's all blurry. Contemplating stayin home for the day but we have so much to discuss for work. Woke up to a hell lot of messages regardin enrichment centre cases and school closures, etc. Instead of just closing down tomorrow, we'll volunteerily close for the whole of next week first. I would like to say that nothing surprises me anymore but... Let's not say that just incase the universe decides to add a lil somethin somethin ya haha. I know it might be a strange thing to say this but i feel like i can physically feel my heart healing. Does that make sense to you? Regardless, i am incredibly grateful. Surely with difficulty comes ease . God did not promise us that twice for no reason. And i'm not sure what's going on ( lol do i ever know though) but i also woke up craving Korean food from the coffee shop. I haven't craved ANYTHING ...

I get to leave work an hour earlier today because of my bloodshot red left eye. I look terrible, i feel terrible and i just wanna stop, drop and roll . About half the population turned up and although it felt a lil blue without everyone present, i still enjoyed pouring my entire energy out to the kids. It's always a joy seeing their works come to life. The amount of emails and messages we got are beyond me. My eyes were startin to hurt from starin at the comp for too long so i decided to do phonecalls instead as a " break ".  Fam. No. I ended up getting bombared and it almost feels like i was blamed for Covid's very existence. Can't really go into detail on here of course but my goodness, trust and believe, it drained all energy i ever had left in me. These past few weeks, i felt like i've ran out of patience because i easily get frustrated over random things but i guess, the various phonecalls made me have more faith in myself. I shall be Positive Patricia in...

I know, i know. You're prolly thinking "lol who the heck uses blogger still!?" I started this blog back in sec 1 i think. I didn't think i was gonna last till today haha. To be fair, i did pause for a few years. For the longest time, writing has always been my outlet. I guess it still is.  It's currently 8.05am and i'm just chilling on my bed. My left eye is still raw red from last night's random attack . Nothing happened really, i'm just being dramatic. I think it's just my contacts acting up on me. Once again, when i feel like life has been scamming me, another issue comes along.  What's new ya friends Heading out in another 10ish minutes. Not expecting much of a turn out due to yesterday's announcement. I barely slept because i was oddly (not really ) frustrated. I guess i still don't know how to feel just yet. It's either that or i'm feeling everything at once. Eitherway, the feeling is NOT first class. I'm not trying...

Today i have decided to go back on mainstream social media. I haven't been on a long one but the break was much needed. As an empath, i tend to absorb so much energies from people and that includes, unwanted negative ones. I was already feeling incredibly low for a few months and i thought to myself " yo Rainn, you gotta meet new people, expand your social circle, be inspired ", which was what i did. At first it went alright because i went in, not expecting anything. And i still didn't. And then i met people. I felt myself feeling better. It wasn't instant but it was gradual.  And then everything came crashing down all at once. Ramadhan hit differently for me this year. Everytime i think i have hit an all time low, i seem to hit lower , if that makes any sense. This year, i felt an emotion i have never felt before. I'm still struggling to find words that matches the exact feeling. I have gone through such unimaginable phases in my life and dare i say, they are...

Hey. It's been a good minute hasn't it? We're still in a pandemic and we're already in MID january 2021. I feel like it hasn't completely hit me that we're in the future . I guess everyone's just trying to get through the day as is.  Friends has already gotten vaccinated and i'm happy for them. I hope everyone gets the opportunity to do so soon. Malaysia has gone back into lockdown and it seems like we're gonna have to take tighter measures here, because of a recent spread case in the community.  Is anyone else exhausted? Work is work, i guess. I decided to stay on and see where life leads me to. I've been unmotivated and unproductive. I've been going in and out of sleep and even then, i still feel the need to hibernate. My body lacks energy and my food consumption has been wild. I haven't been taking care of myself well and it shows. I feel somewhat stuck. I can't really put into into words honestly. I tried explaining it to friends...

" Maybe in 5 years' time when i look back at this post, i'd laugh at myself on how young i was. Maybe i'd be smiling from ear to ear with my husband-to-be by my side. Maybe i'd be smiling sadly with my apartment with cats, all alone. Maybe i'd be abroad, doing something really productive and meeting loads of new people. Maybe i'd be on a cliff, just swinging my legs at the edge, feeling the wind blow on my face. M aybe i'd be backstage with Justin Bieber, consoling him on his bad day. Maybe i'd be someone completely different. Maybe, maybe i'd be happy." I wrote this on March 4th, 2015. Guess what? None of the above came true HAHA. Perhaps i could say that i am much happier now as compared to where i was but that's it.  I don't know who needs to hear this but i've been way over the Justin Bieber phase.  Also, we're still in a pandemic. I can't even chill by a random cliff.  It's funny how i actually think 5 years is ...