faith

Today i have decided to go back on mainstream social media. I haven't been on a long one but the break was much needed. As an empath, i tend to absorb so much energies from people and that includes, unwanted negative ones. I was already feeling incredibly low for a few months and i thought to myself "yo Rainn, you gotta meet new people, expand your social circle, be inspired", which was what i did. At first it went alright because i went in, not expecting anything. And i still didn't. And then i met people. I felt myself feeling better. It wasn't instant but it was gradual. 

And then everything came crashing down all at once.

Ramadhan hit differently for me this year. Everytime i think i have hit an all time low, i seem to hit lower, if that makes any sense. This year, i felt an emotion i have never felt before. I'm still struggling to find words that matches the exact feeling. I have gone through such unimaginable phases in my life and dare i say, they are far WORSE than whatever i have been through this year. But somehow, the pain i felt, was even more excruciating than every negative emotions i have felt combined. I have always held myself together like a strong super glue. I rarely cry nor do i even show much emotions. I rarely get surprised and i NEVER expect anything from anyone, or at least i try not to. But this Ramadhan, i shed so much tears. I felt so broken and in despair. And the worst part is that, i can't seem to answer why. Privacy has always been number one for me. I don't share much of my personal life to my family. If possible, i try not to even share anything at all. I have always been reserved in that manner. But the pain i felt, was so overwhelming that i decided to tell my mom. You see, i have NEVER told or felt the need to open up about anything to my parents. At all. But i asked my mom to pray for me because i was desperate to get rid of whatever feeling i felt. In a way, i still am.

For one whole month, i couldn't go on social media. I couldn't go on Netflix or Youtube withour getting triggered over every little thing. If i were to separate my brain and my heart, i can easily tell myself "Rainn stop being ridiculous. Snap out of it!". In reality, the emotion drowns me.

I felt unsafe. When i head out to work, i do not look up unless i need to. I don't want to see ANYTHING that would trigger that exact emotion. Why? Because i fear the pain. Mid Ramadhan, i felt suffocated. I started the day out feelin completely fine at work and in the next second, i found myself crying my eyes out. Even as i'm typing this, i feel ridiculous. 26 years of living and i have NEVER been like this.

Previously i have always been exhausted but now? Exhaustion isn't the word. 

They announced the new regulations for the recent Covid-19 outbreak and our studios are affected. As if i haven't been feeling so much, the news really took a toll on my entire body. I had 4 straight off days for Hari Raya and the whole 4 days had been horrible. I got rid of everything to get rid of the "noise" but me being on my own? You should hear how loud my thoughts are. They're not only loud, they're vicious. 

I feel selfish even feeling this way when others are facing actual problems in the world. But honest to God, if i can switch this off i would do it permanently AND instantly. 

So why did i decide to go back to mainstream social media?

Because i will fight this. 

I want to be myself again. I want to do things i enjoy again. I want to go back to how i was. I was happy and contented with what i have. I love my job. I love my kids. And for the longest time, that was enough for me. And it still is. But i decided i needed to seek out for "more" and look what that did to me. I will continue to give, give and give until i can't anymore. I will continue to choose kindness even when the world is cruel. I will continue giving all my energy to the students and to my job. If we have to close down and work from home all over again, fine. I accept this challenge with grace. I may not be in the same mental state as i was before but i will heal. I will fight this. 

Dear God, forgive me if i ever was ungrateful. I accept Your challenges with grace. 

I'll heal and i'll be better than i was before.

Just like everything else, i need time. And although i am completely emotionally exhausted, i will never allow this to affect what i have with the kids. 

They are my biggest blessing in life and they will always be. It's okay if i'm all low. As long as they're not, i'll be contented enough with that fact.