When i was at my lowest during early to mid Ramadhan, i was in such intense despair, i begged God to show me the way.
I slept after a longggggg ,day (weeks, months really) of emotional turmoil and had a strange, yet uplifting dream.
I dreamt that i was watching myself from a third person's perspective. Apparently i had a good friend that was feeling vexed and, she couldn't understand why everythin bad was happening to her. I watched myself talk her out of it so casually. I was incredibly confident and calm. I then ushered her to a random train station. There was already a train there but i told her to wait and to not take it.
"Just wait and see"
My poor friend was feeling real hopeless and sad at a corner. She sat while i paced around. The platform was empty. No one in sight. Just the two of us, if i'm remembering correctly. Out of the blue, a sudden influx of people appeared from the level above us. They were going down the staircase just like how you'd see in a typical train station, when the train arrives at your destination. I saw a bunch of people coming closer to where we were. I must have recognized some of them because i turned to my dear friend and got all excited.
"SEE!!! CONFIRM THIS ONE, CONFIRM!!!"
I like how i was so Singlish even in my dream haha.
Immediately after that, i woke up.
I know, i know, anti-climatic much but yo, the dream gave me hope.
Honestly, have no idea what or who i was waiting for but i felt peaceful.
Alhamdulillah.
I don't know how to explain it but, it was as though i was telling my broken self to just take a chill pill and wait because something amazing is coming out of all of this.
Of course i would have loved it if i stayed asleep to finish the dream.
Life doesn't work like that now does it? Haha
Everytime i feel low, i'd remind myself of this. In that dream, I was in a state of such tranquility, i don't think anyone could shake my faith. I was also very confident of what's coming. Perhaps this is God's way of telling me to believe in myself. But the thing is... I'm not sure what i should believe in.
You see, i've always been someone who senses or picks up people's energies real quick. I used to think coincidences meant more than what they actually are. I still believe in that i guess, but i don't focus on them as much anymore. I have been right about MANY things but oddly, i have never been right about the people i meet. I guess it's human nature to always see the good in people. I stopped meddling though. I don't over analyze or scrutinize anything at all now too. I notice and observe still, but i just let them be. Why? Because i just don't want to be so sure of myself and then be wrong again.
A week ago, i had another odd dream. It wasn't much but it felt similar. I was catching up with an old friend from sec school. I haven't heard or kept in touch with her for years to be frank. But it felt nice. It was like, nothing much has changed. We walked by the lovely beach and talked. She asked me about certain people i've met and i remember telling her how i've spiralled. And then i ended the convo with "but i kinda think this is the right way to go..." or something along those lines.
Does that make sense?
The thing is... I would like to be all confident and mighty and say "look, i'm right this time, just wait" but i'm full of doubts, still. Can you blame me though? Haha. I honestly do not want to be wrong over and over again because it is exhausting.
So what can i do?
I'll just surrender and leave it to God.
I'll focus on myself. I'll continue to give.
I'll still treat friends like how i would like to be treated and i'll heal.
And i'll continue to be grateful no matter what. For the good, the bad and the in betweens.
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