Avalanche

I'm going out of frequency, can anyone respond?

low battery

I think i drew Lee Dong Wook about a month ago. Is it weird to say that his hand is my favourite part of the drawing? 

Time flies a lot slower without the kids around. We're prepped and all ready to go for Zoom classes. I thought i've been doing well recently but it seems like i still can't listen to a lot songs. I get triggered by the littlest things and yo... The frustration is so real. 

I'll allow myself to shut down today. 

So endure patiently with beautiful patience

We received an email regardin a mandatory swab test for all tenants to do today. I don't know who planned it (or didn't) because the crowd was wild. The queue extended beyond two bridges and it didn't die down, so we just went ahead and joined in. They should have separated us in batches according to levels or something. It felt like the whole hub was in the queue haha. I wish i was exaggerating. There were so many times i wanted to give up but i couldn't. That's how i feel with life sometimes. 

When you just wanna give up but, you don't really know what you're giving up on exactly>

We stood and waited for more than 3 hours in total. I had already done a swab prior but this one was a lil uncomfortable. It feels kinda like when you go swimming and you accidently get water all up your nostrils. Just 20 seconds in and we were good to go so that was aite. 

Just when i thought i had minimal patience left in me, God showed me that i actually have a lot more. 

Alhamdulillah.

Went back to the studio afterwards to allow reality to sink in. To be honest, i still don't know how to feel. I'm just getting by everyday as it is i guess. A lot of students are opting OUT of zoom lessons this time round. I don't blame them at all. Our working hours are revised so we'll get to go home earlier during weekdays. Alhamdulillah. I'm grateful for everything, regardless. I've been wanting to do a timelapse of a painting. I guess i have no excuses not to do it now right? Haha. 

I have so much to be grateful for today. I have been eating much better and i had the delicious Kimchi Ramen from the coffee shop. I hope Korean Auntie still gets to come to work. It's always nice seeing her around. Same goes for the drink stall auntie. Somehow, she ALWAYS speaks to me in mandarin. Haha. I've grown so used to it, sometimes i start the convo with a "Ni hao auntiee!!!" 

I miss the kids already but i know i'll see them again real soon. And when we are all back, it will be as though no time has passed in between us. 

Due to the minimal zoom sessions we are going to have, i hope we'll be able to catch up on EVERYTHING that was put on hold. It's good that i keep myself busy. The busier, the better. When i drown myself in work-related tasks, my thoughts won't even have time to be loud. 

God is making me wait. 

And i will wait. 

I just hope He makes it easier for me. 

Insha'Allah. 

X

See you soon

This picture was taken during our first lockdown. It was a week before everyone had to start working from home. I struggled with many things in the beginning but eventually got the hang of it. Sometimes i laugh to myself at the memories we shared. Like for instance, i had a 2hr long class with the Portfolio Kids and my 2nd screen ran out of battery. I was literally in the middle of demonstrating a drawing. I didn't realize they were staring at a blank screen until one of them said "What happened to Teacher Rainn 2???" hahaha. 

Most of us have our own programmes to teach so, it's pretty rare to have all teachers in one class. We did have a couple and it was fun and definitely helpful. When you have 30-40 kids in one session, your screen might not be big enough to see all of them. The coordination between us were chaotic at first but somehow we pulled through. I guess the challenging issue was the fact that almost the whole world was on Zoom. It definitely came with limitations. And we were all on different wifis, devices and locations. The amount of malfunctions we had were pretty extreme. Teaching art online changed how i see things. In a way, our skills are really put to the test. Although it was a new phase and anxiety was sky high because of the unfamiliarity, i felt such an immense amount of drive to be the best that i can ever be. Why? Because their end products are the result of our teaching abilities through a screen. Alhamdulillah, our very first experience was successful and, their completed works look amazing. There is no doubt that our kids are already talented in the first place but, just like me when i was younger, most of them struggle with confidence. In a way, the experience helped them to be independant, to have faith in themselves and to build confidence.

I'm the type of teacher that makes kids erase and redraw until they get it right. I'm not fierce or anything but i guess i'm a lil strict. Haha. There is no right or wrong in art, sure, but each programme differs. If you're in a programme that focuses more on technical skills, of course we are going to emphasize more in that area. 

I was scared and sad at first. About the second "lockdown". I'll miss being in class with the kids and everything. But then i remembered how much i have improved overtime and it makes me feel all positive again. We have a lot of work to catch up on and this "break" would actually allow us to complete our pending works. I know it's a lame thing to say this but everythin truly happens for a reason.

I don't know what the future holds or what it's gonna even look like but, i'm sure we'll survive all of this well. 

Insha'Allah. 

I hope the kids continue to stay safe always. I'll see you again real soon. 

Tuesdays with...

I finally finished Nezuko today. I'm sorry friends, i do not watch much anime nor am i a fan of Demon Slayer. Nezuko is currently one of the most popular character among current students and the public. I drew her as a sample for our new upcoming holiday workshop. I love using colour pencils but wow, they can be really energy draining sometimes. Haha. 

Usually i'm all alone on Tuesdays. LS had to do a bunch of art kits so she joined in and we jammed to delightful One Direction songs. Hahaha. My previous Tuesdays have been painful and it was a struggle to be with my own thoughts. I can safely say that i am in a much better place now... but i also feel like i'm living my life in the confines of fear. 

Managed to do an outline of what we'll be teachin in Zoom. It feels quite surreal to be back to where we once were. The first lockdown caused so much frenzy and it scares me that nothing much has changed since then. May God ease all our affairs. 

My appetite is slowly coming back and i feel really touched when friends are celebrating this small improvement. Sigh. I'm truly surrounded by people who care so much about me. I have absolutely no reason to be sad but yet i still am. I didn't realize how much weight i lost until i stepped on the weighing machine. 

From late December 2020 to today, i lost a total of 10kg.

TEN.

Once again, if you're wondering "howwww?!!" 

I would not recommend it but... Just don't eat. And if that isn't helping much, have feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for you. 

Guranteed drastic weight loss. 

Hahaha. 

Ha. 

it's easier to judge than to believe

Yknow what's funny to me?

Is the fact that there are people out there who genuinely think that we choose to feel certain emotions.

Why would anyone choose to feel upset?

Why would anyone choose to feel wrong?

Why would anyone choose to feel like death?

Have some empathy and compassion, friends. 

Jeez.

God knows the world needs it a lil more.

Did we imagine half of this?

"Just wait and see"

When i was at my lowest during early to mid Ramadhan, i was in such intense despair, i begged God to show me the way. 

I slept after a longggggg ,day (weeks, months really) of emotional turmoil and had a strange, yet uplifting dream. 

I dreamt that i was watching myself from a third person's perspective. Apparently i had a good friend that was feeling vexed and, she couldn't understand why everythin bad was happening to her. I watched myself talk her out of it so casually. I was incredibly confident and calm. I then ushered her to a random train station. There was already a train there  but i told her to wait and to not take it.

"Just wait and see"

My poor friend was feeling real hopeless and sad at a corner. She sat while i paced around. The platform was empty. No one in sight. Just the two of us, if i'm remembering correctly. Out of the blue, a sudden influx of people appeared from the level above us. They were going down the staircase just like how you'd see in a typical train station, when the train arrives at your destination. I saw a bunch of people coming closer to where we were. I must have recognized some of them because i turned to my dear friend and got all excited. 

"SEE!!! CONFIRM THIS ONE, CONFIRM!!!"

I like how i was so Singlish even in my dream haha.

Immediately after that, i woke up. 

I know, i know, anti-climatic much but yo, the dream gave me hope. 

Honestly, have no idea what or who i was waiting for but i felt peaceful. 

Alhamdulillah. 

I don't know how to explain it but, it was as though i was telling my broken self to just take a chill pill and wait because something amazing is coming out of all of this.

Of course i would have loved it if i stayed asleep to finish the dream. 

Life doesn't work like that now does it? Haha

Everytime i feel low, i'd remind myself of this. In that dream, I was in a state of such tranquility, i don't think anyone could shake my faith. I was also very confident of what's coming. Perhaps this is God's way of telling me to believe in myself. But the thing is... I'm not sure what i should believe in. 

You see, i've always been someone who senses or picks up people's energies real quick. I used to think coincidences meant more than what they actually are. I still believe in that i guess, but i don't focus on them as much anymore. I have been right about MANY things but oddly, i have never been right about the people i meet. I guess it's human nature to always see the good in people. I stopped meddling though. I don't over analyze or scrutinize anything at all now too. I notice and observe still, but i just let them be. Why? Because i just don't want to be so sure of myself and then be wrong again.

A week ago, i had another odd dream. It wasn't much but it felt similar. I was catching up with an old friend from sec school. I haven't heard or kept in touch with her for years to be frank. But it felt nice. It was like, nothing much has changed. We walked by the lovely beach and talked. She asked me about certain people i've met and i remember telling her how i've spiralled. And then i ended the convo with "but i kinda think this is the right way to go..." or something along those lines.

Does that make sense?

The thing is... I would like to be all confident and mighty and say "look, i'm right this time, just wait"  but i'm full of doubts, still. Can you blame me though? Haha. I honestly do not want to be wrong over and over again because it is exhausting. 

So what can i do?

I'll just surrender and leave it to God.

I'll focus on myself. I'll continue to give.

I'll still treat friends like how i would like to be treated and i'll heal.

And i'll continue to be grateful no matter what. For the good, the bad and the in betweens.

bothersome

Guess who decided to stay home today?

I went back to sleep again cause i had about 2-3 hours to kill before work. Woke up with twitchy eyes. My left is the sore one but somehow they're both affected. And when i got up, the headache that followed, was beyond me. I'm the type that goes to work no matter how unwell i feel but clearly we can't do that now. I remember feeling so upset that i couldn't go to work because i had minor coughing episodes. Haha. I should learn to put myself first. Waiting for updates regardin the meeting because i'm still clueless. I was annoyed with the headache and everythin so i forced myself to go back to sleep.

I'm assuming this is normal. The fact that everythin goes crazy AF first before it gets better. Just like what Katy Perry says, "After a hurricane, comes a rainbow~"

But i'm tired of the hurricanes, Katy. Can't i just buy the rainbow online and call it a day?

-

A lot of people are telling me i lost weight. And then they'd ask me "how?"

Would not recommend but... Just don't eat?

Hahaha.

But honestly though, all jokes aside, i really have not been eating well. And my appetite has been wrecked for too long. I'm starting to see small positive changes but i don't know where it'll lead to. I guess we'll see.

Chloe gave us those Vitamin thingies that dissolve in water for us to consume. I looked it up and apparently Vit D is good for seasonal dep. I have been drinking it religiously everyday.

It might not even do jack but i want to feel like i'm doing at least something, to help myself. 

Placebo affect much.

I'm feeling much better but the fear is so real, friends. I just can't imagine myself ever feeling that distinct painful emotion again. I pray that nobody ever goes through that in their lifetime. I still can't explain what it was or how it felt to you. But if i can choose a word that just sums it right up, i would say Death.

-

Once Covid is over and we can all travel again freely, i don't think i'll ever come back. I'll find someplace peaceful with little to no civilisation and just be free. Don't get me wrong, i don't hate it here. But i do like the idea of starting over. Clean slate. Nobody knows me. 

Nobody has to know me. 

-

Just got updates that our studios are gon be closed for the next week. Classes are suspended but we'll still head to work to do a bunch of discussions of course. I'm trying to just focus on breathing in and out slowly so that i don't think. Cause we all know what happens when i think. Shit gets loud in there.

I don't know if my brain and body is equipped for another lockdown. God, i really need You right now.

everything is alright if i just breathe

Woah i must have knocked out real hard. Woke up randomly at 1am plus and feeling confused. Haha. Left eye still sore and my vision's all blurry. Contemplating stayin home for the day but we have so much to discuss for work. Woke up to a hell lot of messages regardin enrichment centre cases and school closures, etc. Instead of just closing down tomorrow, we'll volunteerily close for the whole of next week first. I would like to say that nothing surprises me anymore but... Let's not say that just incase the universe decides to add a lil somethin somethin ya haha.

I know it might be a strange thing to say this but i feel like i can physically feel my heart healing. Does that make sense to you? Regardless, i am incredibly grateful. Surely with difficulty comes ease. God did not promise us that twice for no reason.

And i'm not sure what's going on (lol do i ever know though) but i also woke up craving Korean food from the coffee shop. I haven't craved ANYTHING for two months or more. And God knows how much i haven't been eating. Is my appetite finally coming back? That can only mean i'm getting better right?

Alhamdulillah :')

-

I have decided to keep my hair long. I actually bought Ritual and Transylvania (Arctic Fox) thinkin i'd mix them together, to create a deep red kinda vibe BUT i chickened out. I've always loved being ash blonde. It's either that or just all out jet black. Avoiding black pigments now though considering how damaged my hair is. But hey, just like my heart, my hair texture is healing too. I wish i can add those teary-eyed human cat stickers on here. Wait, can we do that now? I mean, we're in 2021, anythin's possible now no? Haha. I'll find out and check back in.

Anyway, i've never actually tried going for those burgundy red hues. It's more of Yana's colour. I'll prolly just stick to what i'm comfortable with. Plus Asako(?) did such lovely highlights on me and i don't want to waste her efforts by going in with a random strong colour. But friends know me best though. I say this now but i'll randomly turn up with green hair. Haha. How do people put up with me?

How do i even put up with myself?

I don't i guess.

Haha

I need to remind myself to be Positive Patricia this time. God knows i need it.

Sidetrack BUT i love how Chloe (my teen child), responds to Nancy or/and Patricia. Whenever she's being negative (most of the time, really), i'd call her Nancy. And when her rare positive side appears, i'd call her Patricia. I am SO used to calling her Nancy, her newer classmates thought that was her real name HAHA. Andddddd i was looking through various canvases and was delighted to see what she wrote on the back of hers.

"Chloe Nancy Patricia's"

Hahahahaha

How can i not love them all? 

Sigh.

witch

I get to leave work an hour earlier today because of my bloodshot red left eye. I look terrible, i feel terrible and i just wanna stop, drop and roll. About half the population turned up and although it felt a lil blue without everyone present, i still enjoyed pouring my entire energy out to the kids. It's always a joy seeing their works come to life. The amount of emails and messages we got are beyond me. My eyes were startin to hurt from starin at the comp for too long so i decided to do phonecalls instead as a "break". 

Fam.

No.

I ended up getting bombared and it almost feels like i was blamed for Covid's very existence. Can't really go into detail on here of course but my goodness, trust and believe, it drained all energy i ever had left in me. These past few weeks, i felt like i've ran out of patience because i easily get frustrated over random things but i guess, the various phonecalls made me have more faith in myself. I shall be Positive Patricia in this post. Or at least, i'll try. Haha

-

Since i'm on here and i clearly have nothin better to do, let me share a random strange phenomenon lately.

Approx three weeks ago, i dreamed of me asking my sister to make me some waffles because apparently we bought a new waffle maker. (in the dream ya not irl). I woke up feeling confident as heck and told myself, "Just wait. Ferr will come and make me some waffles sometime soon". I did NOT mention it to anyone nor was i even craving waffles. I barely eat anything these days anyway. Bare in mind, we haven't made or bought waffles in a LONG time. I would say about a year maybe?

So anyway, about a week later, i was busy having my 7pm class and Ferr called me out of the blue. She doesn't really call much so i thought it could be important. So i picked up and she went all

"Rainn what time are you coming home? I'm making waffles. Do u want some?"

Yoooooooooooo

What kind of witchcraft is this!?

hey ho

I know, i know.

You're prolly thinking "lol who the heck uses blogger still!?"

I started this blog back in sec 1 i think. I didn't think i was gonna last till today haha. To be fair, i did pause for a few years. For the longest time, writing has always been my outlet. I guess it still is. 

It's currently 8.05am and i'm just chilling on my bed. My left eye is still raw red from last night's random attack. Nothing happened really, i'm just being dramatic. I think it's just my contacts acting up on me. Once again, when i feel like life has been scamming me, another issue comes along. 

What's new ya friends

Heading out in another 10ish minutes. Not expecting much of a turn out due to yesterday's announcement. I barely slept because i was oddly (not really) frustrated. I guess i still don't know how to feel just yet. It's either that or i'm feeling everything at once. Eitherway, the feeling is NOT first class.

I'm not trying to be a Negative Nancy today but online classes are gonna drain me out like nobody's business. It's one thing to teach art but it's a whole other thing to teach art ONLINE. Tried and tested for 2 ish months from the first lockdown. God. That was something else. I mean, i did have a lot of fun too. Having to see the kids again after a month and catching up like no other. That was nice. Oh and matching PJs with some of them, hahaha. One of my fav memories.

It's gonna take a toll on the kids too, sigh. Imagine the amount of classes they have to sit through via Zoom. The thought of it sends me to space.

I'm gonna try to be active again on here. No exact reasons. I just like to read and write. I barely have time to read now so i guess this is the next closest thing. I have not finished my book too. GOD. I took a break for 2 years on that. When kids get annoyed on my unfinished paintings, boy, they have not seen my other projects. Hahaha.

I need professional help.

I'm going to get through today and i'm gonna go back home to sleep. Yknow what frustrates me more though? Is the fact that sleep is the one true escape from my loud thoughts BUT i can't seem to sleep.

Like jajxjsdksmdkakskakssksk fuck?

I am confusion, America xplain.

faith

Today i have decided to go back on mainstream social media. I haven't been on a long one but the break was much needed. As an empath, i tend to absorb so much energies from people and that includes, unwanted negative ones. I was already feeling incredibly low for a few months and i thought to myself "yo Rainn, you gotta meet new people, expand your social circle, be inspired", which was what i did. At first it went alright because i went in, not expecting anything. And i still didn't. And then i met people. I felt myself feeling better. It wasn't instant but it was gradual. 

And then everything came crashing down all at once.

Ramadhan hit differently for me this year. Everytime i think i have hit an all time low, i seem to hit lower, if that makes any sense. This year, i felt an emotion i have never felt before. I'm still struggling to find words that matches the exact feeling. I have gone through such unimaginable phases in my life and dare i say, they are far WORSE than whatever i have been through this year. But somehow, the pain i felt, was even more excruciating than every negative emotions i have felt combined. I have always held myself together like a strong super glue. I rarely cry nor do i even show much emotions. I rarely get surprised and i NEVER expect anything from anyone, or at least i try not to. But this Ramadhan, i shed so much tears. I felt so broken and in despair. And the worst part is that, i can't seem to answer why. Privacy has always been number one for me. I don't share much of my personal life to my family. If possible, i try not to even share anything at all. I have always been reserved in that manner. But the pain i felt, was so overwhelming that i decided to tell my mom. You see, i have NEVER told or felt the need to open up about anything to my parents. At all. But i asked my mom to pray for me because i was desperate to get rid of whatever feeling i felt. In a way, i still am.

For one whole month, i couldn't go on social media. I couldn't go on Netflix or Youtube withour getting triggered over every little thing. If i were to separate my brain and my heart, i can easily tell myself "Rainn stop being ridiculous. Snap out of it!". In reality, the emotion drowns me.

I felt unsafe. When i head out to work, i do not look up unless i need to. I don't want to see ANYTHING that would trigger that exact emotion. Why? Because i fear the pain. Mid Ramadhan, i felt suffocated. I started the day out feelin completely fine at work and in the next second, i found myself crying my eyes out. Even as i'm typing this, i feel ridiculous. 26 years of living and i have NEVER been like this.

Previously i have always been exhausted but now? Exhaustion isn't the word. 

They announced the new regulations for the recent Covid-19 outbreak and our studios are affected. As if i haven't been feeling so much, the news really took a toll on my entire body. I had 4 straight off days for Hari Raya and the whole 4 days had been horrible. I got rid of everything to get rid of the "noise" but me being on my own? You should hear how loud my thoughts are. They're not only loud, they're vicious. 

I feel selfish even feeling this way when others are facing actual problems in the world. But honest to God, if i can switch this off i would do it permanently AND instantly. 

So why did i decide to go back to mainstream social media?

Because i will fight this. 

I want to be myself again. I want to do things i enjoy again. I want to go back to how i was. I was happy and contented with what i have. I love my job. I love my kids. And for the longest time, that was enough for me. And it still is. But i decided i needed to seek out for "more" and look what that did to me. I will continue to give, give and give until i can't anymore. I will continue to choose kindness even when the world is cruel. I will continue giving all my energy to the students and to my job. If we have to close down and work from home all over again, fine. I accept this challenge with grace. I may not be in the same mental state as i was before but i will heal. I will fight this. 

Dear God, forgive me if i ever was ungrateful. I accept Your challenges with grace. 

I'll heal and i'll be better than i was before.

Just like everything else, i need time. And although i am completely emotionally exhausted, i will never allow this to affect what i have with the kids. 

They are my biggest blessing in life and they will always be. It's okay if i'm all low. As long as they're not, i'll be contented enough with that fact. 

Save your tears for another day

Hey.

It's been a good minute hasn't it?

We're still in a pandemic and we're already in MID january 2021. I feel like it hasn't completely hit me that we're in the future. I guess everyone's just trying to get through the day as is. 

Friends has already gotten vaccinated and i'm happy for them. I hope everyone gets the opportunity to do so soon. Malaysia has gone back into lockdown and it seems like we're gonna have to take tighter measures here, because of a recent spread case in the community. 

Is anyone else exhausted?

Work is work, i guess. I decided to stay on and see where life leads me to. I've been unmotivated and unproductive. I've been going in and out of sleep and even then, i still feel the need to hibernate. My body lacks energy and my food consumption has been wild. I haven't been taking care of myself well and it shows. I feel somewhat stuck. I can't really put into into words honestly. I tried explaining it to friends but it was difficult so i gave up trying. 

Not everything has been going downhill of course. Alhamdulillah for all the good things. And the bad. And the in betweens.