funny story

"Maybe in 5 years' time when i look back at this post, i'd laugh at myself on how young i was.
Maybe i'd be smiling from ear to ear with my husband-to-be by my side.
Maybe i'd be smiling sadly with my apartment with cats, all alone.
Maybe i'd be abroad, doing something really productive and meeting loads of new people.
Maybe i'd be on a cliff, just swinging my legs at the edge, feeling the wind blow on my face. Maybe i'd be backstage with Justin Bieber, consoling him on his bad day.

Maybe i'd be someone completely different.
Maybe, maybe i'd be happy."

I wrote this on March 4th, 2015.

Guess what? None of the above came true HAHA. Perhaps i could say that i am much happier now as compared to where i was but that's it. 

I don't know who needs to hear this but i've been way over the Justin Bieber phase. 

Also, we're still in a pandemic. I can't even chill by a random cliff. 

It's funny how i actually think 5 years is how long it takes for something big to happen. 

I'll check in again in another 5 perhaps. 

I'll be 30 then.

That actually scares me.

Wake me up when September ends

Hey.

It has been quite a bit. 

So much has been happening and i feel like my mental health has been tested like no other this year. I'm sure i'm not alone in this. 

I did somethin really brave recently. I don't wish to go into full detail yet but what i can say is that, i am really proud of myself. It has been quite an emotional turmoil but, i know that this is one of the greatest turning points of my life right now. I shall move forward, manifest all the good things and never look back. 

I'm not gonna lie and say that i'm not tired though. I always have been and i don't think that will change anytime soon. 

But hey, i'm trying.

Always trying.

Watching k-dramas have made me set incredibly unrealistic goals in life. There's just something about koreans that i love. Their storylines keep getting better and better. I hope i'll get to befriend the amazing writers, actors, actresses or/and even idols someday. Friends always laugh at me when i tell them that. I don't mind. I laugh at that thought too sometimes. Haha. There's no harm in wishful thinking though. It helps me get through each day.

Maybe someday i'll look back at this post and finally think to myself, "oh my God. I can't believe i typed this!! I'm actually waiting for Seo Joon to come back with our drinks right now!".

One can dream.

hey

It has been a good minute hasn't it?

-

We're in AUGUST of 2020. 

We're still in a pandemic. 

Daily news are constantly filled with crazy things that are happening all over the world. It's pretty sad to say that i've grown immune to it. We're out and about, no longer in Circuit Breaker and it seems like Covid-19 took a break. I don't blame us citizens though honestly. The lines are blurred around here. We're expected to distance ourselves at least 1m in some settings but we're all clustered together like packed sardines in public transports.

We're just trying our best to deal with it on a day by day basis. I heard that they're already testin possible vaccines on people. Let's hope and pray that a successful one will be developed by this year. I can't imagine another year of this wilderness.

The masks have been a norm. Although it gets difficult to breathe sometimes, i like wearing masks. I feel protected AND i don't have to feel insecure about how i look. Haha. 

Killing two birds with one stone, they say.

Dreamy

I've been secretly attracted to Min Yoongi.

not a secret anymore is it now...

Extension

The Circuit Breaker has been extended till 1st of June. I'm not surprised but I can't help but to worry about what the future holds. I am still very much grateful to be home and safe but there is only so much work I can do at home. Perhaps I should start selling things online. A lot of food businesses are flourishing online right now so maybe it is time to get on the bandwagon. 

- 

Lee Min Ho is back and looking as dashing as ever! Only on episode 2 of The King: Eternal Monarch but i'm already loving it. I love Korean storylines. They're always out of the world and well-thought. The show is giving me Goblin vibes AND the main actress IS from Goblin. KL says my obsession with Koreans is a phase and it will wear off soon. I mean, i am sure it is but till then, i'm just gon keep dreaming of many possibilities. haha.

I used to be like this in primary school when Princess Hours and Boys Over Flowers were popular. I honestly don't know how I got out of that first phase though. haha. I don't mind so much. As long as i'm not hurting anybody, i'm good. haha.

- 

Currently waiting for my videos to be exported. I have to do it today because I gotta upload them tomorrow. The exporting process takes forever on my laptop and I can't risk doing it tomorrow cause I'll end up missing the supposed upload time. I hope the kids are doing well and staying safe indoors. I don't know how long it will be till I see them again. Insha'Allah this will all be over before we know it.

- 

Took a break on Ferr's wall that I was painting and decided to draw Suga and J-Hope instead. I haven't been drawing lately and I feel so out of practise. I like the outcome of both despite them not really looking like them but I know with time, patience and practise, i'm able to do a lot better. I'm gonna try to finish the cottage painting tomorrow and come up with many more visual aids for future themes. I would like everyday to be a productive day. There are some days where i'll just sit in all day and binge-watch Netflix series but I have to ensure that the rest of the days will be jam packed with activities. 

Memory Lane

Since the pandemic, i have been doing nothin but reminisce on old videos i used to make when we go traveling. If i were to just say i miss it, that would be an understatement. Was cleaning my room the other day and came across my ancient phone. Decided to charge it to see if it works and it does! Eventhough it runs real slow, i uncovered many vlogs and photos of when we were in Korea and Malaysia.

I remember telling myself that i was never gonna come to Korea again because of the bad experiences i faced but... I take it all back. Perhaps i wasn't paying attention to what was happening around me that much. It was unfortunate that i fell incredibly sick on the 2nd day of the trip. Everything was placed uphill and there were too many flights of staircases! I had lost my voice and i constantly felt  exhausted and heavy. Needless to say, going uphill was the biggest challenge for me. i was breathless for the most part and when i finally got to a destination, i felt punctured and was completely drained of energy to take it all in. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the country. Due to my deterioriating health, i was just not having it. That was not all though. The random and unexpected temperature drops made me want to surrender and fall to the ground. I may not look like i was suffering in those deceiving photos of me all smiley and happy but God knows. I tend to fall ill during, before or/and even after a trip but usually it wouldn't go so bad. Perhaps it was stress from my job i had back then that made me a weakling. I pulled through though. I forced myself out of bed every day because i didn't want it to be a wasted trip. Despite remembering the pain i felt, i remember great moments too. I'm so glad i recorded us being annoying and silly and i'm grateful to have kept all the low-quality videos in my ancient phone.

Lily, Dee, Ferr, Putri and i had plans to go to South Korea end of this year supposedly. Even my family's 2nd trip to Sabah got cancelled. I'm grateful that the airlines gave us refunds but i'm still feeling a little sad over missed adventures. 

2020 was supposed to be a year full of travels. I remember writing that down as my New Year's resolution. I'm sure i'm not alone in this. I guess it will probably be a long time until this blows over. 

I do miss the kids @ work but safety and health comes first. Right now, nobody knows when schools are gonna be safe enough to re-open. With so many people still ignoring the rules of the circuit breaker, it won't be a surprise if this semi-lockdown gets extended. I'm grateful to have a home to comfortably be in during this hard times. I know not many people have such blessings. Also, i feel like i've grown way more introverted than ever. Being indoors isn't a problem for me. I have been home for a full two weeks and i do not feel the urge or need to go out. At all.

I've been creating live videos for short lessons for the kids and i'm currently working on makin more for our official social media pages. Editing videos is definitely not my forte. I'm thankful that Ferr knows how to because i need to learn all of this to survive. Haha.

The other teachers and i have also been prepping future works and themes for the classes. Doing admin works and whatever that we needa do. When we come back, we'll be refreshed and ready to go. I don't want to sound too hopeful but Insha'Allah the situation will ease by June at least. Ever since the Circuit Breaker, the number keeps rising. I know it will get worse before it gets better, just like the use of Retinol lol but it doesn't mean it sucks less.

I hope everyone stays safe. Especially people who still have to go to work. May God bless the doctors and nurses all over the world for their services. In such a difficult period, let's focus on being kind to one another because everybody needs it right now.

Ramadan is going to be so different this year without bazaars and mosques. And i don't even think we can do house visiting when Raya comes. It doesn't affect me as much to be honest, because we only ever go to 1 house during Raya but i can't lie and say the atmosphere is going to be the same. 

I can't quite believe that i'm 25 and in the middle of a pandemic. 

I hope i become even more grateful and grounded after this. Never ever take things for granted and live life everyday like it's the last. Express only positive thoughts, words and actions and always remain kind even to those who is the least deserving. 

We will go through this together.

X

Pandemic

Hey friends.

Who knew 2020 was gonna be like this? 

It's pretty wild to think about how this event will be in future history books in school. 

It seems like the pandemic has brought out the worst in a lot of people. Regular folks are starting to "cancel" celebrities or/and influencers who have said a bunch of things that should not have. I usually try to not be so opiniated about these things (about most things actually...) but i'm shocked to see/hear what have been said online. 

People who have been leading such luxurious lives has forgotten how to be grateful. When the needy gets deserving help from the higher-ups, the blessed feel the need to throw tantrums. Despite the apologies by some socialites, the words have scarred many. I can only pray and hope that people learn to be kind and show compassion especially at times like this. 

I am grateful that I have a home to come back to. I'm grateful to have food. I'm grateful to be in Singapore. Every country has their limitations but when one compares our tiny country to many massive ones, we're actually doing pretty okay despite the frenzy.

Naturally, a lot of jobs have been affected and unfortunately, classes have been suspended which means, unpaid leaves for me. I wasn't surprised when I was updated regarding the matter. It was only a matter of time before all enrichment and tuition centres start to close down. I am incredibly thankful for a boss that understands and cares. In the midst of all of these, she still find ways to help my workmates and I so we could also stay afloat. The govt issue states that the suspension will end on the 30th of April but from now till then, a lot of things can happen. We are definitely hopeful but at the same time, open minded. A lot of centres and gov-based schools are opting for online classes but I don't think it is ideal for us. My workmates and I are currently preparing future projects and creating an array of samples and visual aids so we'll be ready to go. We are going to keep working hard until we're ready to re=open doors. 

If God opens the door of opportunity for me, next week i'll start relief teaching elsewhere,

Insha'Allah. The admin lady who called was very kind and she explained how the pay is going to be low because of the virus situation. I don't mind at all, honestly. Surely anything is better than nothing.

I thought about staying home and doing a bunch of self-caring activities (Netflix, included) but the thought of no pay coming in, sends me out of space.

I have always been a workaholic and I don't mind it one bit. Perhaps a temporary change in environment is good for me. I'll get to learn new things, meet new kids, build relationships and so much more. I would like to believe that these things are happening as a "cleanse". I try to stay indoors as much as I can help myself. I urge you guys to do so too. Only head out when in need. 

May God protect us all.

Stay safe, friends. May we recover from this blow with grace.

x

Crash Landing on You

Friends, if you guys are in need of a new tv series to watch, please consider watching Crash Landing on You, on Netflix. I would personally rate it 13/10. Also, the lead actor, Hyun Bin, is a wholesome man. I have decided that if I don't land a man half as good as the soldier, I would very much prefer to stay single for the rest of my life and I won't even mind. You'd understand it if you watched. His character is the definition of a perfect man.

 Yes, I might be obsessed.

Prior to this, I have not watched a Korean drama for quite a long time until Daisy starting asking me if I had tried watching it. I wasn't sold at that time but then Yana starting squealing in delight upon hearing Daisy and I talking about it. And then my boss heard the commotion and she, too, decided to join in the excitement. I was still skeptical at first so I went home, not even thinking about the show. I got on Netflix and watched random documentaries and suddenly, I was presented with CLOY's trailer. North and South Korean love story? "okay screw it, i'm gonna try watching," I thought to myself.

And then I did.

Absolutely no regrets.

Incredible casting. The main leads have the best chemistry on-screen.

The second lead is just as amazing.

AND the group of friends, I will always remember them.

x

Sempurna

I'm currently obsessed with "Sempurna" by Naim Daniel. i'm ashamed to be an extremely late fan because he is incredibly good. I'm in love with his songs. I love his vibe. Also, Lily met him and says that he's beyond friendly and engaging.

What more can one ask for?

The long day at work on Saturday knocked me out completely. I fell asleep the moment I got home and woke up the next morning. Ferr says she tried waking me up 4 times before officially calling it quits. The classes didn't drain me but I somehow feel like i'm not at my full potential, if that makes sense. I don't enjoy feeling inefficient and insufficient despite me overcoming crazy obstacles. I guess I feel... small. I know i'm good at what I do but sometimes it doesn't necessarily translate in real life events. It's lowkey making me feel flustered and frustrated. 

I'm still somewhat calm I guess. I don't really react upfront. I just let it be and try to better myself each day. Better days are coming, I'm sure of it. Insha'Allah.

- 

I'm beyond grateful to be on my bed right now. I'm not as tired as before because of all the sleep I got but I still need to rest. Heading out to visit Anisah and her newborn tomorrow morning, out to do a lil studying and writing with Violet afterwards and then dinner with Lily and KL in the evening. I try to fill up my off days with things just so I don't crumble into pieces. Every time I decide to stay in for at least two days, my body and mind just refuses to allow me to head out even if I tried. I can't even explain the phenomenon, Sometimes I just wanna give myself a good kick and be all mighty but nothing much has changed all these years. 

I'm starting to think nothing ever will.

- 

I've had quite a chill birthday this year. 25 and forever grateful for family and friends who are kind, generous and supportive. I think I crossed borders way too many times within the same month. Not complaining though. I love M'sia. haha. Parents got me a cake, as always, and as I was blowing out the candles, Dad asked me to wish for a man.

HAHAHA. 

Anyway I finally got around getting myself a new laptop. You have no idea how productive it has been. I've been putting it off because I didn't think i'd need it so much. Now I can do so much more work. I type way faster on a keyboard than I do on touchscreens. haha. I mean, there is nothing wrong with doing work on the tabs, ipads or phones even but idk I just feel like I need a bigger screen. A bigger everything.

I've been doing a lot of self-studying. I forgot how good it feels like to be in a library. haha. Yep, once again, nothing much has changed. I'm still a nerd. Just an older one. Ever since we introduced another new programme to our studio, I feel swamped and stressed out. I gotta learn to trust myself this time though because people are relying on me to do good. I need to excel. I will excel but like everyone else, I need a little more time.

-

Naj & Nad got me a recording mic (Yeti) because of my insane obsession with karaoke. SIGH. I don't even know how to express my gratitude when they presented the gift to me. What have I done to have such amazing, generous and kind-hearted people in my life? May God bless every single one who been with me throughout my entire existence in life. I know not many people get the same kind of blessing and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

- 

I don't really know how to feel about being 25, to be honest.

What am I supposed to even feel?

older? 

haha

2020 is gon be a year full of self-care, healing and good opportunities.

i'm sure of it.

x