Outplayed

Plans got cancelled today because my friends fell sick. I stayed home, watched Netflix, cooked and probably fell asleep a couple of times. I did manage to read a few chapters to Cecelia Ahern's "Roar". An absolutely brilliant book that empowers woman. I started reading it on Sunday despite not wanting it to be away from it's plastic cover. I guess i got too excited. I love the smell and feel of a new good book. I NEVER get disappointed with any of C. Ahern's books. I did not want to finish reading it fast so i decided to take breaks in between them. I want to savour every chapter. Sounds a little gross but book lovers will understand.

I might have eaten way too much today. I feel worse than an overly inflated balloon. Managed to squeeze out fresh lemons to make multiple cups of lemon juices though. I guess it did make me feel better about myself.

Just a little.

I'm planning to stay in again tomorrow. I need to recharge. I'm not going to do anything work-related and i'm going to spend time relaxing. I feel like i'm a lil tensed. I need a breather.

I love my current hair colour (mint ash) but i do have random spots of very light ashy green near my roots. In certain lighting, they look grey.

Congratulations, Rainn, you outplayed yourself. You have now aged 10 years.

Nine O Seven

I always get really anxious prior to ANY concerts but i always leave feeling re-energized and... Empowered? Attending concerts have been helping me a lot. Old Rainn would never have imagined herself to be around massive crowds, enjoying shows. Even the thought of it would've paralyzed me.

Charlie Puth is amazing. Our first time seeing him live and i was so starstruck (i guess i still am). From Youtube to big stages, touring the world, he is absolutely killing it. Him playing the piano casually with one hand while drinking tea with the other, is such a mood. I'm living for it.

Thank you, Charlie.

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I could not sleep last night. The humidity is beyond me. It started raining a little this morning but it's too late for me to go back to sleep. Just like that, we've entered a new work week. Holiday period's starting real soon and i am still NOT mentally ready for workshops. I guess i'll worry about it more when the time comes.

Started the morning with freshly juiced apples, pears and oranges. I really love our new juicer. It's everything i ever dreamed of. I don't even care if i'm being a tad bit dramatic. Haha.

I think Kira made sandwiches. I'm probably gonna feast on them later. I don't think i'll be packing food for dinner today. There isn't anything much left in the fridge. I might wanna get some sushis for lunch but we'll see. Maybe i should brainwash Yana into getting them as well haha.

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Going on a hike with the family on Sunday. I'm surprised my leave got approved. I kinda don't know how to feel about going on a hike in this weather though. We gotta think of a plan B. Dad sort of wants to train himself (and us, i guess) so that we could go up the giant-ass tall mountain we skipped in Taiwan. We were exhausted from all the walks, hikes and the insanely scorching hot weather before getting to that one poor mountain. Ferr and i managed to go up a couple of steep steps but our legs gave up on us soon after. I feel much more toned after Taiwan but what does it matter anyway. Kids at work call me fat all the time. It's like i'm in primary school all over again. Kids these days don't understand the Thicc Concept haha.

Shush, i'm just trying to make myself feel better.

Overshared

I feel like i need someone to tape my mouth shut in times of need sometimes. I tend to say a lot of things that are meant to be unheard. I might have possibly overshared a little earlier today and there's nothing i can do about it. If i could turn back time, i would.

I have been blessed with a lot of good things but i can't help but to feel like i need to achieve more in life than to just remain this way...

I don't really know what to do.

Same old vicious cycle.

Distasteful

It's really upsetting when people disregard you altogether by talkin over you. Especially talkin over you in another language that you clearly don't speak. It's incredibly rude and disrespectful. I just find it appaling that it has been happening to me way too many times. Earlier on today, i was invited to a group discussion. I immediately left without saying a word when the other parties decide to start talking in mandarin to each other. I could not help but to feel a little angry. I feel like i'm being looked down upon just because i might not be on the same level as the others or maybe because i'm merely a teacher and not a business owner.

I try not to think so much about it but it's really upsetting to be completely honest.

In the past, people in groups would talk about me in mandarin thinking i could not understand them. A lot of nasty things were shared among each other despite me being in the room. I could understand every word but clearly nobody knew that part. For the longest time i had to swallow it all and pretend it did not hurt me. I had to talk myself out of so many crazy ideas. Eventually people found out the truth when they overheard me conversing in their speaking language. The bad talks stopped almost immediately but that did not stop me from being incredibly paranoid, anxious, upset, hurt and of course, pathetic as fuck.

I know i am good at what i do and i know my worth. If you choose to disregard me because of a certain level you think you are in then i'm not going to just stupidly stand there and wait for you to switch to channel 5. I have a lot of other important things to handle. Watching someone disrespect me like that clearly isn't one of them.

When the time comes and you miraculously need help from anybody that is "beneath" you, trust and believe that nobody is gonna be there.

Maniac

I just finished binge-watching Netflix's Maniac and let me tell you smtg, the show is brilliant. It's dark, a little twisted & trippy but unsurprisingly relatable to me. The show has the whole Mr Robot vibe, i love it.

Jonah Hill and Emma Stone played their characters SO well. I felt Owen's (Jonah) lonliness and pain. I can relate to Annie too. I understand what it's like to want to repeat a bad memory over and over again just to feel it. I guess Maniac is tryna tell us to find great importance is human connection as it will, in a way, save ourselves from crippling depression (or other mental disorders). Those people came in, wanting a cure but did all the pills work or was it just in their heads? And was Annie and Owen still in simulation at the very end because of the artistic flairs of the creators? The pills did sort of "save" Annie and Owen but i feel like they saved themselves because of their strong connection with each other.

I just found out that there won't be a Season 2 and that the ending is up to the viewers' imagination. I feel like i NEED a season 2 because i want to know how they worked out or are they "McMurphy-ed". I am hopeful though. It has been a while since a TV serie made me feel so many things.

I read a lot of comments saying the show is "overhyped" or things like "i just don't get it". As much as the show is pretty dark and intense, the story-line was pretty straightforward, i feel. A few people came together to be "lab rats" for a few reasons. Some wanted cash as they were broke AF and being tested on would give em heaps. Some wanted a permanent cure for their depression or schizo or anxiety (or all of em at once). The episodes are mostly about what Annie and Owen experiences in their "reflections" as they go in a dream-like state after injesting the pills. There were a few twisted and highly inappropriate scenes but it somehow fits because the whole TV show is strange.

Good kind of strange i would say.

I need Mr Robot to be on Netflix by the way. I hate having to find random-ass links just to watch it. Most of em are full of ads anyway.

If you guys have not watched Maniac, please do.

It's literal art.

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I don't want to be THAT person but i'm tryna be on a social media break. My self-esteem and confidence are back to being non-existent and i'm tired of feeling so shit about myself. I know blogging is a part of social media too but i'm referrin to the mainstream ones like IG of FB or idek, even public twitter. It'd good to take breaks every now and then i guess. I've been sleeping a lot on my off days. I just want to sleep more. I even dreamt of taking an MC just so i could extend hibernation. I thought it was real until i woke up. My mind is going bonkers.

Oh Taiwan

The flight to Taipei was horrible, i'm not gonna even lie. I was seated in between Mom and Ferr and both of em took the armrests. It was crazy hot in there but i wasn't too sure if it was the plane or just my extreme body heat. I could not sleep for 5 hours because of how uncomfortable i felt with all the insane rashes and seating position.  Ferr and i was from work a few hours before the flight so it's safe to say that we were completely exhausted. Somehow she managed to knock out before we took off and i managed to stay completely awake and aware of my surroundings.

I ran out of rash pills and creams so i had to rely on a random cream i got from the pharmacy. It did relief the itching for a few minutes but that was it. I became as red as a lobster throughout the rest of the journey in Taiwan. I don't know if this is the universe's doing but everytime i travel, i ALWAYS fall sick. I've had these rashes for almost a month already and i have seen a total of 3 doctors. At first, the rashes weren't too bad and i assumed they were from all the soft pastels i've been using. Turns out, the pastel dusts triggered the rash but they were NOT from the medium. Two of the doctors assume the rashes were from "bad air". I didn't think much of it and just ate the medications as told. Thought i was recovering but a day before the flight, i started getting insane bumps again. And they're thrice as itchy. The sight gave me literal goosebumps all around and there were so many times i wanted to just surrender and cry.

I didn't.

The scorching sun in Taipei triggered my skin tremendously and i'm not only burnt, now i'm extremely itchy EVERYWHERE and it's honestly the most annoying condition i have ever dealt with in my life. I never had an allergy reaction before nor am i even allergic to anything. I landed in Singapore on a weekend so there weren't any skin clinics that were open so i have to withstand the pain till tomorrow. It is now currently tomorrow as it is 2am but i can't sleep because of the discomfort and itching. A friend of mine recommended this particular clinic so i'm hoping and praying that this works because i am DONE.

Despite being in this condition, Taiwan had been amazing. I would've never imagined myself ever going on a hike with flipflops but i have no regrets as those flipflops got me to see amazing mountains and bridges. I had to "air my feet" as they were swelling up so bad. I think they're related to the rashes but i'm no doctor so i can't really confirm that right now. I also did not think that the heat was gonna be WORSE than Singapore but it was. Less humid but more... Sizzle. I could literally feel the sun frying my skin. It was intense. We got lucky. Taiwan avoided the Typhoon altogether so that was amazing. Who am i to complain about the weather when we were blessed with no typhoons?

I'm grateful to have survived all the walkings, hikes and crazy-ass weather but i would have loved if i was fit. My feet were in pain most of the time and it was just... Wild. Imagine having to feel the pain of your swollen feet against the hot heated ground and being sweaty when you whole body is sore from the rash. I have never felt so disgusted, annoyed and upset with myself. I could not complain as my parents were also with me on this. They were following the trails like true warriors eventhough their legs were giving in on them. Right there and then, i felt guilty for even thinking about the pain i was in because surely whatever i was feeling, was minimal as compared to theirs.

Alhamdulillah for the exciting, adventurous and absolutely wonderful trip. Taiwan really surprised me. People were ALL helpful and kind. Dad's friend helped us a lot and we can never thank her enough. Ferr and i could understand and speak basic mandarin so the trip wasn't difficult at all. Their train systems are so similar to ours and their public transports are really comfortable and efficient. I can't lie and say that things are cheap there because they aren't but you can get cheapthrills around. I truly felt like i was home, walkin around casually with a tshirt, shorts and flipflops. If i'm being completely honest, i felt more at home in Taipei than i am in Singapore.

I wish the trip lasted much longer but i could not miss one of my greatest friend's wedding. Nadiah & Arif are finally married and i could not be happier for them. They are completely compatible and it's obvious that they're meant for each other. I'm proud to have them both as friends. Nadiah is such a strong lady and she always empowers other people. She sees the good in everybody and will always try to understand everyone's perspective with no judgements. I thank God everyday to have met such a kind, generous, driven and beautiful soul. I know we will be friends for a long time. People say things will change when friends get married. Change can be good. It doesn't have to be bad at all. If you're truly genuine friends with somebody, you'd make time for em no matter what. Nadiah has been a busy woman even before marriage. She occupies her days with a lot of activities to balance out her life and yet she would still make time to ask me out for dinners or lunches. I have a lot of respect for her and i'm grateful to have someone who looks over me like a sister. I pray for her happiness and i wish them a blissful marriage.

X

To new beginnings!

Explosion

"it's okay to be afraid but it will never be the same... "

Ellie Goulding's voice still takes me to another place. I hope she makes new music soon.

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Rashes are slowly disappearing. It has been a good month of torture. 3 doctors and none of them knew what is going on with me exactly. The latest medications are working so that's something at least.

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I'm quite excited for Taiwan. I need a getaway.

Weakling

My body surrendered to fate.

Since today is an off day, there is no reason for me to try. Every couch i've rested on became warm from all the body heat. I just need more rest i guess.

Don't we all?

Yana's hosting an open house tomorrow and Violet and i are probably gonna go write after that. I really hope i'll be fit enough to even walk tomorrow.

Had a late start to the day. Initial plan was to head to the clinic and go to the library afterwards but Kira and i woke up real late. We decided it wasn't worth the hassle. I've been spending the day watching documentaries and random youtubers talking about their lives. Dinner's ready but i'm in no mood to eat. Everytime i get up, my whole body feels even heavier. I want to read but the words make my head hurt more.

How do people stay healthy and fit all the time?

Wednesday will be different at work. It was the interns' last day on Sunday. They will be dearly missed. I do hope they'll come back to help with our holiday workshops every now and then. I've been meeting a lot of wonderful people and i can't even begin to explain the gratitude.

To many more better days, Insha'Allah.

X

Charlie and the...

I am excited beyond words.
Bought tix for Lily, Dee and i to go see him in November!!

X

Trying not to drag my feet

Grateful to have witnessed the heavenly purplish-pink sky as the sun was setting earlier on. I could not believe what i was seeing. Caught it on camera but of course, you can't compare the photo to the real thing. Some things are better seen in real life anyway.

I've been writing and trying to produce new works but it has been a real slow progress.

I need motivation in pill form.

We installed a ceiling fan in our room thinking it'd be a great investment but i find myself wearing lesser clothes to bed. Even then, i'd still be sweating buckets. Maybe we should just get the AC fixed once and for all. It won't look good on the bill but imagine the quality of sleep we could get though.

Just imagine.

Desperately need to get the room cleaned but everytime i see my bed, all plans are automatically cancelled. I've been sleeping so much, it's kinda scaring me. I used to be the type who would have difficulties sleeping but these days, i could just switch off once my head touches the soft pillow.

Maybe i should get my name changed to Tired.

"hi who are you?"

"i'm Tired"

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Cupcakes & Goodbyes

And just like that, my Friday has ended. Savoured our mouth-watering cupcakes while exchanging our goodbyes. I wrote Marcus a farewell letter with motivational german quotes. He's going to do great in Germany, i'm sure of it. We're all sure of it.
I'm going to have to live through the never-ending questions on his disappearance though. The kids are unsurprisingly obsessed with him. I'm sure they're going to be pretty upset with the news.

Oh well.

Is there any way i can skip the weekend? I feel like i have so much on my plate at the moment.

Visited Dee's new place after work and it's everything. Extremely chic and cosy. She cooked a couple of seafood dishes and it tasted bomb. I would've eaten a lot if i wasn't so bloated though. It's heartening to see how far we have come. To more better days in the future, if God's willing.

Change isn't so bad after all.

Better days are coming

Grateful to be back home and on my comfortable bed. The giant fan is turned on to it's maximum power and it's directly facing me and I'm in between fluffy pillows. I'm convinced that this is what heaven is probably like.

It wasn't so wild at work. Day went by real quick actually. I wish i could divide my attention between kids equally though. I always find myself feeling somewhat unsatisfied with how i've handled a class. I'm working on it though. Everday, i try to better myself one way or another. Once again, slow progress is better than no progress. I'm feeling quite the pressure to be honest. The good teachers are leaving to pursue their studies and soon i'll be alone again.

Back to square one.

Last day of the work week tomorrow and i'm thrilled. I always look forward to off days. Who doesn't?

Planning to do some writing with Violet on Monday. Maybe we'll dine at the Thai food place. Get some good food to fuel us through the day of writing. Might meet up with the teachers on Tuesday to chill too but i don't know. We'll see.

I don't want to be constantly negative or be around negative people. It's quite a challenge but i need to stay afloat. I don't care if people think i'm being selfish by putting myself first this time. I have to do it. It's much healthier and my quality of life has drastically improved from removing all the toxins. I still feel low of course but somehow, i could breathe a little better this time. It's as if the air is cleared from so much smoke.

I need to keep writing as well. For the longest time, writing has been my only outlet. I've lost the momentum for quite sometime now but i do want to get back on it. I need to be vocal about how i feel. Bottling things up is going to damage me further. I can't afford that right now. I can't afford it ever.