Nine O Seven

I always get really anxious prior to ANY concerts but i always leave feeling re-energized and... Empowered? Attending concerts have been helping me a lot. Old Rainn would never have imagined herself to be around massive crowds, enjoying shows. Even the thought of it would've paralyzed me.

Charlie Puth is amazing. Our first time seeing him live and i was so starstruck (i guess i still am). From Youtube to big stages, touring the world, he is absolutely killing it. Him playing the piano casually with one hand while drinking tea with the other, is such a mood. I'm living for it.

Thank you, Charlie.

-

I could not sleep last night. The humidity is beyond me. It started raining a little this morning but it's too late for me to go back to sleep. Just like that, we've entered a new work week. Holiday period's starting real soon and i am still NOT mentally ready for workshops. I guess i'll worry about it more when the time comes.

Started the morning with freshly juiced apples, pears and oranges. I really love our new juicer. It's everything i ever dreamed of. I don't even care if i'm being a tad bit dramatic. Haha.

I think Kira made sandwiches. I'm probably gonna feast on them later. I don't think i'll be packing food for dinner today. There isn't anything much left in the fridge. I might wanna get some sushis for lunch but we'll see. Maybe i should brainwash Yana into getting them as well haha.

-

Going on a hike with the family on Sunday. I'm surprised my leave got approved. I kinda don't know how to feel about going on a hike in this weather though. We gotta think of a plan B. Dad sort of wants to train himself (and us, i guess) so that we could go up the giant-ass tall mountain we skipped in Taiwan. We were exhausted from all the walks, hikes and the insanely scorching hot weather before getting to that one poor mountain. Ferr and i managed to go up a couple of steep steps but our legs gave up on us soon after. I feel much more toned after Taiwan but what does it matter anyway. Kids at work call me fat all the time. It's like i'm in primary school all over again. Kids these days don't understand the Thicc Concept haha.

Shush, i'm just trying to make myself feel better.

Overshared

I feel like i need someone to tape my mouth shut in times of need sometimes. I tend to say a lot of things that are meant to be unheard. I might have possibly overshared a little earlier today and there's nothing i can do about it. If i could turn back time, i would.

I have been blessed with a lot of good things but i can't help but to feel like i need to achieve more in life than to just remain this way...

I don't really know what to do.

Same old vicious cycle.

Distasteful

It's really upsetting when people disregard you altogether by talkin over you. Especially talkin over you in another language that you clearly don't speak. It's incredibly rude and disrespectful. I just find it appaling that it has been happening to me way too many times. Earlier on today, i was invited to a group discussion. I immediately left without saying a word when the other parties decide to start talking in mandarin to each other. I could not help but to feel a little angry. I feel like i'm being looked down upon just because i might not be on the same level as the others or maybe because i'm merely a teacher and not a business owner.

I try not to think so much about it but it's really upsetting to be completely honest.

In the past, people in groups would talk about me in mandarin thinking i could not understand them. A lot of nasty things were shared among each other despite me being in the room. I could understand every word but clearly nobody knew that part. For the longest time i had to swallow it all and pretend it did not hurt me. I had to talk myself out of so many crazy ideas. Eventually people found out the truth when they overheard me conversing in their speaking language. The bad talks stopped almost immediately but that did not stop me from being incredibly paranoid, anxious, upset, hurt and of course, pathetic as fuck.

I know i am good at what i do and i know my worth. If you choose to disregard me because of a certain level you think you are in then i'm not going to just stupidly stand there and wait for you to switch to channel 5. I have a lot of other important things to handle. Watching someone disrespect me like that clearly isn't one of them.

When the time comes and you miraculously need help from anybody that is "beneath" you, trust and believe that nobody is gonna be there.