permanent.

With all the things happening in the world, Lord forgive me if this sounds like a complaint but... 

I'm tired.

July 2024

Oh wow, where do i start?

First of all, hello. 

I never forgot about the existence of this blog but i guess, i also never did anything about it. I used to religiously blog about everything i experienced from travels to random friends dispute in primary school, to what i dreamed of the night before. Most of the posts are deleted or archived along the way of course. 

A lot of things has happened since my last post. I guess life just did its thing. 

I left my job that i had once served for over 5 or 6ish years. Do i regret ever starting? I would say no because then i wouldn't be what i am today. What i do regret is my inability to treat others equally. I often find myself struggling to give a 100% to everyone and that was the start of my downfall. I have been reflection about who i am as a person and how i would like to move forward from this. 

I changed a lot during my time there. The burnt out made me turn into something i never imagined myself to be. It's somewhat kind of comical because i hated being micro-managed but i unknowingly did that to others. I made a lot of people uncomfortable even by my mere presence. I'm not going to play victim or defend myself because i know, everyone is entitled to their opinions and that everyone's experiences are unique and very much valid. My extreme passion and workaholic values drove me kinda... Well... 

 

Mad. 

I have met a lot of amazing people along the way and i have since then, learnt so much from others. I was sad about the strange exit i had and that i never got to bid proper farewells to students i have been with, for so long but i'm sure, if God permits, we'll see each other again in the near future.

Of course i am disappointed but... I can't dwell on it forever. We are entering the 8th month since i left and although a lot of time has passed, sometimes i catch myself thinking about what could have been. In wanting the best for the students, i became such a high strung person to my ex-colleagues. I hope they know that i deeply never intended anything to be a form of attack on their personal characters. It was strictly and quite honestly, just work. 

No one ever talks about the grief of a work breakup. 

I'm sorry to those i've let down and i am at least, a little comforted by the fact that my exit made things better for most people. 

Grudges? 

Nah. 

I'm a painfully self-aware person. I know and i felt it deep in my soul of what i was becoming. The changes i encounter, the energy shifts, the frenquency jumps, all of it. I also know this is part of my karma. For not choosing those who left before me. For choosing to take sides with work. 

I accept my situation and i probably deserve this. Does it suck any less? Of course not. But it is something i have to go through in order to grow. 

I'm currently taking some classes on management and more, that can help me serve others (and myself) better. Now that i have much more time, i go outside. 

I touch grass.

I hope this slow life helps me become less high strung. I no longer take things too seriously including work. I've been a workaholic all my life so it is going to take sometime to get it out of my system, but i am trying. 

I am still a little sad on the lost friendships i have developed but... It is true what they say. What does not serve you will remain in the past. 

I pray for their happiness so that they forget about mine.

I will be kinder to myself this time. Just like everybody else, this is my first go at life too. 

Perhaps what's next would be another thing i never imagined. 

And perhaps it's for the best.

Guess we shall see. 

Fatigue

 I guess the title speaks for itself, doesn't it?

- 

How does one feel incredibly young and old at the same time? I'm still in my 20s but it feels like i've lived forever.

I had the worst Sunday of all Sundays combined this week. Okay, perhaps i should say last week since it's Monday. 

Time is an illusion anyway.

I don't enjoy being probed, questioned and stretched to my absolute limits but people seem to think i have answers to everything. People seem to expect and demand so much from me, as if i'm not just a regular Joe like literally everyone else.

It's mentally exhausting, having to cater to literally hundreds of people BUT yourself.

i want to show up for myself.

But i have no time.

How does that work?

Standstill

I should really stop saying things like "hey, it has been a while hasn't it?" at the start of every blogpost, after a long hiatus. haha

2021-2022 has been quite something. Hasn't been that smooth but i'm grateful regardless. I turned 28 recently and had an amazing break in KL. Visited the Van Gogh Alive exhibition and got somewhat emotional. Perhaps someday he'd be able to see how his art is appreciated worldwide now, in another lifetime. Singapore's having a similar exhibit sometime in March too, from advertisements i've seen. They're both from different organisers so i might drag a couple of friends to witness the beauty together.

I've decided to stay in today. This is quite rare. I'm 100% introverted but i try my best to busy my days. It doesn't matter if it's after work or on my off day, i'll always try to catch up with friends or idk, do something relatively productive. It has nothing to do with maintaining relationships to be honest. Sure, that sort of balance is important but i find that doing so, has been helping me heal. It isn't a solution but it definitely softened the blow. The other day i came across a tweet that says "i've healed too much, i don't even like anyone anymore" and i can't emphasise on how much i can relate to that haha. 

This year, my resolution is to be selfish. I'm going to constantly put myself first and do the things that make me feel good. 

Sometimes being too nice doesn't get you anywhere in life.

That's just how the world works right?

Wake me up when September ends...

Okay hold up.

How are we already in SEPTEMBER!?

I need a minute.

-

I didn't think i was gonna ever update this space again but here we are. It has been quite a year hasn't it? I feel like i've gone from A to Z in a split second. With recent restrictions being lifted, i've been busy getting myself out of here. It honestly feels liberating to be travelling again, you have no idea.

I can't believe i'm finally able to say this but i guess i'm somewhat healed. I no longer feel what i felt. I'm still exhausted and i don't think that'll ever change BUT at the very least, i'm doing much better now.

I shall not complain. 

X