Fatigue

 I guess the title speaks for itself, doesn't it?

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How does one feel incredibly young and old at the same time? I'm still in my 20s but it feels like i've lived forever.

I had the worst Sunday of all Sundays combined this week. Okay, perhaps i should say last week since it's Monday. 

Time is an illusion anyway.

I don't enjoy being probed, questioned and stretched to my absolute limits but people seem to think i have answers to everything. People seem to expect and demand so much from me, as if i'm not just a regular Joe like literally everyone else.

It's mentally exhausting, having to cater to literally hundreds of people BUT yourself.

i want to show up for myself.

But i have no time.

How does that work?

Standstill

I should really stop saying things like "hey, it has been a while hasn't it?" at the start of every blogpost, after a long hiatus. haha

2021-2022 has been quite something. Hasn't been that smooth but i'm grateful regardless. I turned 28 recently and had an amazing break in KL. Visited the Van Gogh Alive exhibition and got somewhat emotional. Perhaps someday he'd be able to see how his art is appreciated worldwide now, in another lifetime. Singapore's having a similar exhibit sometime in March too, from advertisements i've seen. They're both from different organisers so i might drag a couple of friends to witness the beauty together.

I've decided to stay in today. This is quite rare. I'm 100% introverted but i try my best to busy my days. It doesn't matter if it's after work or on my off day, i'll always try to catch up with friends or idk, do something relatively productive. It has nothing to do with maintaining relationships to be honest. Sure, that sort of balance is important but i find that doing so, has been helping me heal. It isn't a solution but it definitely softened the blow. The other day i came across a tweet that says "i've healed too much, i don't even like anyone anymore" and i can't emphasise on how much i can relate to that haha. 

This year, my resolution is to be selfish. I'm going to constantly put myself first and do the things that make me feel good. 

Sometimes being too nice doesn't get you anywhere in life.

That's just how the world works right?

Wake me up when September ends...

Okay hold up.

How are we already in SEPTEMBER!?

I need a minute.

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I didn't think i was gonna ever update this space again but here we are. It has been quite a year hasn't it? I feel like i've gone from A to Z in a split second. With recent restrictions being lifted, i've been busy getting myself out of here. It honestly feels liberating to be travelling again, you have no idea.

I can't believe i'm finally able to say this but i guess i'm somewhat healed. I no longer feel what i felt. I'm still exhausted and i don't think that'll ever change BUT at the very least, i'm doing much better now.

I shall not complain. 

X

February

The drawers near our recep table at work, is truly something else. Last year, i opened one of em to retrieve some old admin files. I left them open thinkin i'd grab somethin else later. I don't know HOW but the moment i had the swinging chair turned, my right thigh brushed against the sharp edge of the said drawer. I got home to discover a massive bruise on my thigh. And to put things in perspective, i STILL have the bruise mark now. Crazy how a plastic drawer can make that kind of impact. Either that or i'm fragile AF. Anywayyyyy, a few days ago, i went to the same cursed drawer. Took some paperclips out so we could use em as tools for clay. I pushed the drawer back in and it hit against my poor pinkie. Yo, i was extremely sleepy that morning but the moment i felt the intense, sharp pain, my body is fully woke.

Now the area underneath my finger nail is bruised. How even?

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Yana's going for her maternity leave soon and i'm readying myself to be as busy as i can get @ work. I love being busy. My thoughts can get incredibly loud and they always consume me. But when i'm at work, fully immersed in every chaotic class, i don't even have the time to think.

I'm okay now. I'm in a better place, i guess. I don't feel unsafe anymore and that's honestly more than i could ever ask for. I'm enjoying and appreciating my alone time. I've grown more introverted than ever too. I have a lot of new books that i've yet to drown myself in. I'm eating well and i'm trying to stay consistent with the vitamins i'm consuming. I'm also very careful with the energies i surround myself with. I don't care much about what people think because this time, i only care about what i think.

This year is a good year, i call it. 

X

Avalanche

I'm going out of frequency, can anyone respond?