permanent.

With all the things happening in the world, Lord forgive me if this sounds like a complaint but... 

I'm tired.

July 2024

Oh wow, where do i start?

First of all, hello. 

I never forgot about the existence of this blog but i guess, i also never did anything about it. I used to religiously blog about everything i experienced from travels to random friends dispute in primary school, to what i dreamed of the night before. Most of the posts are deleted or archived along the way of course. 

A lot of things has happened since my last post. I guess life just did its thing. 

I left my job that i had once served for over 5 or 6ish years. Do i regret ever starting? I would say no because then i wouldn't be what i am today. What i do regret is my inability to treat others equally. I often find myself struggling to give a 100% to everyone and that was the start of my downfall. I have been reflection about who i am as a person and how i would like to move forward from this. 

I changed a lot during my time there. The burnt out made me turn into something i never imagined myself to be. It's somewhat kind of comical because i hated being micro-managed but i unknowingly did that to others. I made a lot of people uncomfortable even by my mere presence. I'm not going to play victim or defend myself because i know, everyone is entitled to their opinions and that everyone's experiences are unique and very much valid. My extreme passion and workaholic values drove me kinda... Well... 

 

Mad. 

I have met a lot of amazing people along the way and i have since then, learnt so much from others. I was sad about the strange exit i had and that i never got to bid proper farewells to students i have been with, for so long but i'm sure, if God permits, we'll see each other again in the near future.

Of course i am disappointed but... I can't dwell on it forever. We are entering the 8th month since i left and although a lot of time has passed, sometimes i catch myself thinking about what could have been. In wanting the best for the students, i became such a high strung person to my ex-colleagues. I hope they know that i deeply never intended anything to be a form of attack on their personal characters. It was strictly and quite honestly, just work. 

No one ever talks about the grief of a work breakup. 

I'm sorry to those i've let down and i am at least, a little comforted by the fact that my exit made things better for most people. 

Grudges? 

Nah. 

I'm a painfully self-aware person. I know and i felt it deep in my soul of what i was becoming. The changes i encounter, the energy shifts, the frenquency jumps, all of it. I also know this is part of my karma. For not choosing those who left before me. For choosing to take sides with work. 

I accept my situation and i probably deserve this. Does it suck any less? Of course not. But it is something i have to go through in order to grow. 

I'm currently taking some classes on management and more, that can help me serve others (and myself) better. Now that i have much more time, i go outside. 

I touch grass.

I hope this slow life helps me become less high strung. I no longer take things too seriously including work. I've been a workaholic all my life so it is going to take sometime to get it out of my system, but i am trying. 

I am still a little sad on the lost friendships i have developed but... It is true what they say. What does not serve you will remain in the past. 

I pray for their happiness so that they forget about mine.

I will be kinder to myself this time. Just like everybody else, this is my first go at life too. 

Perhaps what's next would be another thing i never imagined. 

And perhaps it's for the best.

Guess we shall see.